Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
