why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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