I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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