Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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