She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
