Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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