ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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