I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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