theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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