Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
