genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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