I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
