Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
