I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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