Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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