I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I supernannyed him into submission
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
