Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
