i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
