Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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