I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
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Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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