How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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