escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
