The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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