i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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