I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize