Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My breasts were aching with rage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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