worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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