Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
