after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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