I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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