dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
