im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
