I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize