Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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