When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
