need another drink. this is the easiest way
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You have to summon your inner elephant
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
