i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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