According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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