Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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