Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
