this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
is it fun? or sober?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
