If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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