Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
