The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
