last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
