Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
