it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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