Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
