I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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