you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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