I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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