So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
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So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
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I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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