it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
