I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
