I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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