Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
