i think my tv is drunk
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's never too late to be topless.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
